JANUARY
Record crowds swarm the Hastings Street Precinct for the first “Covid Free” summer holiday since 2019-20, creating havoc on the roads, rage in the car parks and carnage in the surf when the angry visitors finally get to paddle out after several hours of armed combat. Fortunately order and decorum in the waves is restored after the appearance of squads of hero surfers in designer army fatigue rashies, known as the Peace in Surf Squad (PISS), who use subtle CIA-based persuasion techniques to clear the water of troublemakers.
FEBRUARY
Chaos erupts in Noosa Magistrates Court when key operatives of PISS are arraigned on 37 accounts of manslaughter and assault related to incidents on Noosa’s outer bays in several separate swell events during the January holiday season. Pleading his case to the bench, spokesperson for the defendants Fast Eddie Slowpoke says: “We meant no harm to anyone, particularly not to A-grade tourists spending in excess of $5000 per night in Noosa according to tourism industry calculations. Our sincere apologies to the bereaved, but people of all net worth must learn to share the waves.”
MARCH
The Noosa Festival of Surfing enjoys the most successful year in its long history after cutting edge weapons technology delivers perfect overhead waves for every day of the event. A festival spokesperson says: “While I’d like to say that we lucked out, that Huey the god of surf came through for us, in fact we have to thank a slow release plutonium bomb detonated due east of Double Island Point on the eve of the festival for a perfect run of waves. The clean bomb, provided by the tactical weapons division of PISS, caused minimal disruption to the coastal bathymetry and the fish habitat, while our sponsors have donated plankton credits to cover any incidental collateral damage.”
APRIL
Speaking of PISS, Noosa’s greatest cultural event of the year, the Eat and Drink Until You Puke Festival breaks new ground with the introduction of the world’s longest public urinal. Based on similar efforts to control dunny queues at beer festivals in Europe, the Puke Pissoir stretches around the entire perimeter of Lions Park, offering queue-free relief for up to 2000 men at any one time. While in council the mayor and female councillors express outrage, the four male councillors vote in favour of the historic erection. Beer sales soar.
MAY
Noosa’s oldest rock band, the remarkable SandFlys, finally release their first album of Ado originals, just in time to celebrate the cumulative age of band members reaching 400. “These are both incredible whatchamacallits,” says Ado, while slurping his lunch through a straw.
JUNE
As La Nina finally goes, Noosa is hit by a midwinter heat wave with temperatures soaring to the mid-40s for more than a week. Massive use of air-conditioning at maximum power sends Noosa’s emissions to China-like levels, prompting Zero Emissions Noosa to plead with residents to switch off the A/C and walk to the beach where they can immerse themselves in the cool, clear waters of Laguna Bay. Since Main Beach remains at a record three kilometres in width, at least a dozen elderly citizens perish on the journey.
JULY
The management committee of the Noosa Alive cultural festival denies emphatically a rumour that it will construct a version of Eat Drink Puke’s wildly successful circular urinal around its beach bar on Main Beach. A spokesperson tells Noosa Today: “Our people do not wish to share their intimate moments with the general public, thank you very much.”
AUGUST
A huge and unseasonal Coral Sea Cyclone makes its way down the coast and smashes Noosa, finally removing four years of sand buildup and revealing those rocks beloved of surfers and detested by tourism operators. “This is an economic disaster,” a tourism spokesperson says. Heh heh heh.
SEPTEMBER
Life of Brine and his Life of Bride are off to exotic faraway places again so are only vaguely aware that the Hastings Street Association has hired a convoy of semi-trailers to cart a million tonnes of sand from Teewah Beach to Main Beach in time for the busy summer holidays.
OCTOBER
After days of heated debate, the Land and Environment Court agrees that “exceptional economic circumstances” related to the massive Main Beach sand dump override environmental concerns. Delivering the judgement, the presiding judge says: “Sand is part of the fabric of the Noosa experience: no sand, no fabric.”
NOVEMBER
Sand coverage of Main Beach reaches historic new levels, with hundreds of hectares of space for Cool Cabanas.
DECEMBER
Noosa is full again. At low tide the waters of Laguna Bay are just visible on the horizon. There is not a surfable wave in sight.
