JANUARY
Mayor Frank Wilkie uses his annual New Year proclamation to announce that council will use a little-known clause in the Bathing Reserve Rules to ban all beachgoers from Main Beach who don’t bring a Cool Cabana with them.
“This will have a knock-on effect of benefits right across the community,” the mayor declared. “Firstly, shareholders in the cabana company will become even richer; secondly, skin cancer levels will drop dramatically as this beautiful tent city creates a sunscreen right across the beach; thirdly, this will drive a lot of people away from Noosa, creating optimum conditions for the local community to enjoy our beach, as long as they bring a CC.”
FEBRUARY
Following growing dissent over the implementation of Noosa’s Destination Management Plan, passed by Council in December, CEO Larry Sengstock announces the appointment of nefarious affairs consultant John Bogalot to investigate an alternative “destination mismanagement plan”.
“It’s a very simple concept,” says Mr Bogalot. “By buggering up every aspect of amenity, tourism goes away, leaving the place to the locals who pay the rates. This has worked wonders in several places around the world beginning with V. Think Venice, Italy, Venice Beach, California, all of Venezuela. I am inviting the mayors of all these places as keynote speakers at the first global destination mismanagement summit to be held in ‘Voosa’ at a date to be determined after I have consulted the horoscope.”
MARCH
Noosa Festival of Surfing director Tosh Malibu announces a new direction for the 35th running of the event this month. “Basically, we’re following the demographic,” Tosh says. “Old and fat. While the Noosa Wrecks and Relics comp now has an over 80s division, we are capping our official divisions at over 75, while introducing two new demonstration events to inspire our ageing baby boomer support base.”
Tosh says Jimbo Pellegrine from Hawaii, renowned as the world’s fattest surfer until a car accident shortened his career, would be invited as a VIP, while the tag event for over 150kg surfers would feature beer and pie breaks between waves. Special guest for the new over 90s division will be the world’s oldest surfer, 92-year-old Seiichi Sano of Japan, who has been ripping since taking up the sport at 80.
APRIL
Noosa Festival of Surfing announces the suspension of its new old and fat divisions, following the hospitalisation of all but three competitors, a trio who were disqualified anyway for trying to cheat the scales or falsifying birth certificates. “At least no one dropped dead,” director Tosh Malibu says thoughtfully.
MAY
The Cool Cabana mandate is quietly withdrawn after protesters set fire to the giant sunscreen over Main Beach, destroying 457 cabanas. Thankfully, no one is injured.
JUNE
The Noosa Food and Wine Festival, affectionately known by locals as “Eat, Drink and Puke”, bans zero alcohol beverages at all official venues, stating that “sobriety is not what people come here for, or expect to see in others”.
JULY
The Noosa Alive culture fest announces the first ever David Williamson Marathon. Over the course of its nine days, the festival will stage all of Australia’s greatest living playwright’s 900 masterpieces, playing around the clock at venues such as Noosa Arts Theatre, The J and the boutique breweries. Versatile mayor Frank Wilkie tells Old Phil that he will personally play more than 200 lead roles during the marathon, changing costume as he runs from venue to venue.
AUGUST
Nothing happens.
SEPTEMBER
The Noosa Flyboarding Association announces that it will host the world flyboard championships on the lower Noosa River over Christmas/New Year 2026, with a spokesperson claiming that more than a million flyboard enthusiasts from around the world would attend.
For those who don’t keep up, the flyboard was invented in 2012 by Frenchman Franky Zapata. (I’m not making this up.) The design allows the device to climb out of the water and be stable in the air, a position achieved by underfoot propulsion and hand stabilisation while the rider is attached to a jet ski via a long hose. Thank you, Wikipedia. Introduced to Australia about a decade ago, the flyboard started appearing on the Noosa River over the 25-26 summer.
While many river users say they fear carnage on the water over the holidays, community groups such as Noosa First Fleeters and It’s Our Bloody River Inc welcome the event. “It’s a step forward to the good old days when there were no rules on the river,” an OBR Inc spokesperson says.
OCTOBER
The Lycra fun fest takes over the streets and waterways. Residents run for the hills.
NOVEMBER
Post-Tri load-out and cleanup takes a record 27 days.
DECEMBER
First Coral Sea cyclone swell in six years delivers a week of perfect waves while gutting the sand buildup on Main Beach. Hastings Street Association calls for nonstop semi-trailer convoys of sand until the Sahara is rebuilt for the holidaymakers.
Flyboard spokesperson revises attendance estimates, saying that 37 entries have been received, “but some will bring their families”.
