By Phil Jarratt
JANUARY
Outgoing (hopefully) US President Donald Trump Tweets that America won’t have him to kick around anymore because he is moving to Australia. Specifically Noosa, Australia, having accepted a longstanding invitation from former Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd to base himself at Ruddy Towers on Sunshine Beach while he accumulates real estate here.
Trump Tweets: “It’s not West Palm Beach, but at least I won’t be surrounded by climate-fearing Nancy boys who have nothing better to do than rig elections and cheat at golf. Speaking of which, I’ve already made an offer on something called Par Three, and old buddy Clive Palmer, who is also obese and makes me feel good to be around, says he can do me a good deal on some golf resort he’s abandoned in the area. Sounds like you could have a lot of fun with a bulldozer around Noosa.”
FEBRUARY
In a new and dangerous phase of its trade war with Australia, China threatens to cut off our supply of pop-out surfboards. News of this outrageous move causes an overnight stock market crash as cut-price surfboard warehouse chains begIn to close their doors around our coastline. In Noosa pop-out magnate Chuck Sick says that if the worst comes to the worst he will consider selling Australian-made surfboards, but only at five bucks wholesale and only if they are made more disposable. Councillor Tom Wegener says everybody will just have to get used to riding pieces of wood on their bellies and be happy about it like him.
MARCH
Trump sightings are reported all over Noosa, including one that he has been seen devouring a rib-eye at the Villa without a mask. Unconfirmed reports also reach us that all residents of Noosa Waters have received a letterbox drop signed by Trump under a presidential seal offering them a flat $10 million for their properties as long as they can settle and get out before the bulldozers come in at the end of the month.
APRIL
Scottie from marketing shocks political pundits by announcing an early federal election to take advantage of a rebounding economy, despite the pop-out surfboard trade war with China. In Noosa shock builds upon shock as Mayor Clare Stewart declares that she will stand down to seek LNP pre-selection for the seat of Wide Bay, and new Noosa Waters resident Donald Trump says he will run for mayor, despite not yet having paid for citizenship, under the distinguished persons and former presidents’ loophole. Trump tweets: “That’s just a minor detail. I will run and I will win. The Russians, the Chinese and the Nancy boy save the river fakes will not be able to rig this one.” Noosa Sooks and Whingers Facebook page pledges support.
MAY
The combined Noosa Festival of Surfing and Noosa Eat and Get Drunk Festival is a phenomenal success, despite 17,000 arrests for Covid violations. In a splendid gesture of solidarity, mayoral candidate Donnie “Doofus” Trump offers to pay all fines after leading the paddle-out in traditional Hawaiian robes then knocking back 15 pints of local craft beer to win the Bob Hawke Memorial Swill before barfing a Technicolor trail down Hastings Street and passing out in a flower bed. “What a bloke,” says supporter and former real estate developer Whattock Hunt. “This is the kind of mayor we’ve been praying for.”
JUNE
Noosa Shire is closed for renovations while the 30-storey Trump Towers Two is built on the former Noosa Waters estate, next to the Mar-A-Lago-Nuevo Golf and Gentlemen’s Club.
JULY
Donnie Doofus Trump wins the special Noosa mayoral election in a landslide from other candidates Jess Glasgow and Frank Pardon, who was unable to campaign.
AUGUST
Mayor Trump announces that more than 5000 evicted former property owners on Trump Waters Estate (formerly Noosa Waters) will be temporarily housed at Trump Coolum Resort (formerly Palmer Coolum Resort) which he has just purchased for an undisclosed sum from the other rotund mogul and former politician.
SEPTEMBER
Noosa reopens for business as Mayor Trump announces scrapping of the Noosa Plan and the introduction of a new population cap (5 million) and 30-storey building height limit, except on Trump Waters where there are no rules.
OCTOBER
After just two months in the Federal Parliament, the Hon Clare Stewart, former Noosa mayor and MHR for Wide Bay, masterminds a midnight party room coup and emerges as the new Prime Minister, pledging a better deal for the “New Noosa”, including funding for a golf resort and heliport on the site of the former Noosa National Park.
NOVEMBER
Despite Mayor Trump declaring Noosa a “climate change free zone”, an unseasonal tropical cyclone crosses the coast at Teewah, creating 10-metre waves on the points and demolishing several skyscrapers on Trump Waters, including the recently-completed Mar-A-Lago-Nuevo Golf and Gentlemen’s Club.
DECEMBER
Mayor Trump announces that he has purchased the presidency of Botswana for an undisclosed sum and will be moving there immediately. He Tweets: “Noosa won’t have Donnie Doofus to kick around anymore.” Prime Minister Stewart is appointed acting mayor, saying that she will commute from Canberra at weekends to keep the town running smoothly.
